Sweetly Broken

We sang this song in church yesterday and it is one of my favorite worship songs. It's one of those songs that touches my soul. Sends shivers down my spine. Brings tears to my eyes. Causes my voice to tremble. Raises goosebumps on my arms. All of those things and more. I just feel God's presence when I'm singing it. It's a wonderful thing.

Last night I mentioned how much I like this song to Ryan. He asked so insightfully "Why?" He always forces me to delve into the inner workings of my mind & heart and analyze my feelings and reasoning. So I thought about it. And I answered, "I guess it's because I long to be broken." Ryan studied me and responded, "You don't want that. It's incredibly painful. I fight against it all the time."

I wrinkled my forehead and squinted my eyes at him. Then slowly said, "Yes, I fight against it too. But isn't that what we should be striving for? To have our will broken by God? To have our sinful nature removed, our pride & anger & bitterness broken by Him. It's what my heart longs for."

Ryan agreed. His point wasn't that we shouldn't be striving for brokeness, just that the road there is extremely difficult. And often we hold tightly to our selfish desires and maybe allow God to crack one area, but not fully break it open. We rationalize so we don't have to surrender all to Him. We meet God on our schedule and ask Him to fix the areas of our lives we feel are falling apart and then say "thanks God, but I don't think that needs repairing right now. I'm quite happy with the state of my relationships, so you just focus on helping me get my bills paid off and I'll be set." Then we walk away. We ignore the still small voice in our heart because we think our way is easier or more fun or we just don't want to put out the effort. I do that way too often.

I know the process of surrendering and breaking is difficult, yet at the same time, I look forward to it. Does that make me weird?

Jeremy Riddle - Sweetly Broken
From the album Sweetly Broken

To the cross I look
To the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness(2x’s)

Chorus

One Year Later...

It's been a little over a year since Ryan and I started dating, and as cliche as it sounds, it's been the best year of my life. I cannot describe how incredible our relationship is. I never thought I would be so comfortable, open, and vulnerable with anyone, but Ryan makes it so easy. We can talk about anything...be it as trivial as who is better at cards (I am - we're super competitive) ;) or talking about life and God - praising Him, grieving with Him, fighting against Him (just a losing battle there), or struggling in our faith. Ryan also can point out my negative qualities and I don't actually get upset or defensive. Incredible steps for me! And if I do, it's only because I know he's right. Ryan also has the amazing ability to always make me smile...no matter how badly I wish to remain mad, I just can't when I'm around him.

Anyway, for our anniversary we went hiking up Rattlesnake and then made a brief stop at Snoqualmie Falls on our way home. Can you believe Ryan had never been there? I mean he has lived his entire life in the PNW and had never been to the Falls!! I was shocked, so I made him stop! :)

The view from the top!

Snoqualmie Falls

I really like this pic :)

Food for Thought

I've recieved this email before and it struck home then just as much as now. I don't think it could have been said better then this. Please read. And read till the end. Even if you've read this before, it might have more of an impact the second or third or even twelfth time. I struggle with these same thoughts daily. What is our nation coming to? How free are we? Why are we turning our backs on God?

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a manger, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat. Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking. Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein

I hope this gets you thinking the way it has me. The next question is, what are we going to do to change things?

Digging, Building, Serving, and Rolling in the Mud

My parent's church held an event entitled 'ServeFest' this year, which my family chose to participate in. The entire church shut down on Sunday and instead of worshipping in the sancutary chose to extend our worship and talents outside the walls of our building and into the community. There were a variety of activities/service projects to choose from. Ranging from painting school playgrounds, filing, planting trees/flowers, and building benches to cleaning headstones at the local cemetary, doing a plethora of odd jobs at the fairgrounds, or building houses for low income families. We chose to build houses, as my dad is quite the craftsman and felt it would be something he could contribute on. We were told we would be doing siding and trim work. But apparently that was almost completed by the day ServeFest arrived. So what did we get to do? We dug holes for piping and spread dirt in the garage to prepare it for paving. On a normal day this would have been fine. And it was fine. But it was also pouring rain, so digging holes in a torrential downpour...let's just say it makes for some very dirty people. It doesn't help that my sister and I just enjoy getting dirty, so we "fall" in order to muddy ourselves up even more. Not that we needed it. Also, by the time our hole was complete (8 feet deep by 5-6 feet wide) the rain was coming down hard and the runoff from the roof of the house was causing our hole to flood and fill with water. Oh well! We had fun doing it anyway!

Dad, Laura, and I after a long day of digging and shoveling

Our mom isn't nearly as dirty...she was inside doing caulking all day!

Our jeans...before we hosed them off.

Removing the grime

Apparently I am on a bathroom kick in my blogging. Not sure why that is. Obsession? Fascination? A little of both? Whatever the reason, I had a pretty incredible revelation while cleaning my shower the other day and felt the need to share. Now...here it is...get ready to have all your life transformed....

People are like showers!

I know! Unbelievable insight I have, right? However odd it sounds, it is pretty accurate. We are like showers in the way that a shower builds up grime, dirt, and bacteria. This grime is not always visible. Often we can go for weeks without giving our shower a thorough scour, and even then, we may miss those hard to reach corners or just give up because that highly acclaimed "elbow grease" we are supposed to have just isn't enough to power through the dense layers of scum. Then, finally, when you think your shower is perfectly clean and you are staring out the sparkling white tile and shiny knobs, congratulating yourself on a job well done, the grime starts to grow again and threaten your pristine walls and crystal clear glass door. It would seem that the job is never done. You are always having to wash it, scrub it, disinfect it. Inspections are done regularly or maybe you decide its just not worth all the hassle and give up. Letting the dirt take control.

Does this sound familiar? Does it sound like you? I know it sounds like me.

My heart is very much like a shower. I am constantly having to clean out the filth I let cling to the sides and manifest in the corners. Often I don't even recognize the things that are making me unclean, but God always has a way of pointing them out to me. Often subtlety. Sometimes more forcefully. He is aware when I'm not. He is always on the lookout for the grime in my life and wants to purify me and make me whole again. When I get rid of one thing, such as pride or anger, God is quick to show me another area that needs my attention. Very much like a shower, my heart is never clean. Just like my shower constantly needs my attention, so does my heart. I'm a constant work in progress and have resigned myself to the fact that I will always be that way. ;)

But it's so rewarding to scour off, layer by layer, the scum and grime that has built up and to know that I am getting closer and closer to being sparkling white.

The Unspoken Rule of the Women's Restroom

Note: This blog will most likely be understood by women, as men have a much easier time in public bathrooms than we do.

You enter the restroom and cautiously give a gentle push on one of many stall doors. It budges. You feel it is safe to swing the door wide open, only to pull back in disgust. The toilet is either clogged, covered in toilet paper, or just plain disgusting. You obviously can't use that stall. So you move to the next. It's possible that a repeat of the above situation occurs or you find the selected stall occupied and are forced to search elsewhere. Finally you find an empty, fairly clean stall to use.

I believe there is an unspoken rule where you must go in at least one stall before actually settling on one. At least, it happens to me constantly. And I doubt I am the only woman who has this problem.

Another thing I just don't understand about public bathrooms is the toilet paper. Whose idea was it to invent tissue thin toilet paper that disintegrates the second you touch it? Someone must be getting a huge laugh over it! I mean, what good is toilet paper that just shreds in your hand when you try to pull it off the roll? I always am forced to jam my hand up into the toilet paper dispenser and carefully slide the roll around until a sufficient amount of paper is dangling from the spool. Then, and only then, am I free to victorioulsy detach the 3-4 squares of TP I have freed from the roll. By the way, this process is simply too involved for the paltry reward. Is it really that expensive to use 2-ply toilet paper? I know that this tissue supplied in most public restrooms is supposedly better at breaking down (however, despite the fact that it falls apart in my hand, I almost always find 1-3 clogged toilets in the restroom...), but even a thicker 1-ply would be nice.

Hopefully, things will change. I look forward to the day when I enter the bathroom at Barnes & Noble and am greeted with soft to the touch, quilted toilet paper, instead of the sheer, paper substance I currently find.

Lack of Motivation

I am a horrible blogger. No, don't try and convince me I'm not. I am quite aware that it's true. ;)

I thought when I created this account I would actually use it. Instead, I'm rarely signed on and post a disjointed thought about once or twice a month...if that. However, I've been thinking about it and I wonder if it really even matters if I write some bland story about myself. I don't even know if anyone views my blog or finds what I write a mite interesting, so should I just let myself get lost in the black hole that so many blogs are consumed by? Perhaps. Or maybe I should buckle down and take 10 minutes a day or every couple days to post something half exciting. Okay...maybe not exciting...but most definitely random or strange. I am constantly amused or entertained by things throughout my day and my mind is always struggling with God about something. Consequently, I should find something to ramble about for a paragraph or so. Be it stories from my childhood (and there are many...paperdolls...blading to the Little House on the Prairie Theme Song - and creating routines for it...spying from our secret hideout....this list could go on forever, but I'll keep some of the mystery alive for now. ;) ), thoughts about life, observations, rants, or praises to God, I should have at least something to write about!

Sometimes I just want to delete all my posted blogs and start from scratch. Who knows...maybe one day I will! :)