Most of the time I'm happy being alone. It's time I use to reacquaint myself with...myself. To spend time talking to God or just doing absolutely nothing. I'm content just curling up with a good book, going for a solitary run, or just enjoying a homemade dinner while watching a sappy chick flick. I'll covet my quiet time and often become stressed when I'm not getting any. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get frustrated with it all. And I become slightly depressed as I examine my life...or lack of one depending on my frame of mind at the time. Right now is one of those times.
Lately, I've been feeling what has been the story of my life. The fact that I don't have any close girl friends. Sure, everyone claims they like me or whatever, but when it actually comes down to hanging out...well I've just never been one of those girls that other girls want to invite out. I'm the one they talk to in class, at church, in bible study, or at soccer games. But the relationships never extend beyond that. And I don't know why. Sure, people will claim they want to hang out, but more often then not it's just empty words. With no follow-through. And it's starting to wear on me. I begin to tear myself down and assume untruths about myself and my personality. Or maybe they are truths and I'm just in denial. I just want to know what it is about me that keeps other people from wanting to get to know me...to be my friend. Do I keep people at a distance? Possibly. But for the most part it's because rejection always ensues when I put myself out there. And I know, I know, I shouldn't care what others think. I should only care about God's opinion. But it is so hard sometimes. And my old insecurities always resurface and I battle them and try to overcome them. But sometimes, when I'm all alone, they win the fight.
I know I have a lot of things going for me and have no reason to be envious of the relationships I see other girls having. But I am. Even if I try to tell myself I don't need it. But the company of guys just isn't the same as a close female confidant.
I'm happy. I truly am. And incredibly blessed with a small core group of people who really care about me. But sometimes this is how I feel.
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