Joy among Suffering

I am a pretty optimistic person. You can almost always find me smiling. And if I'm not, just crack a joke or make a silly face and I will probably burst out laughing. However, lately it's been a little harder for me to laugh. There are still a lot of wonderful and amazing things occurring in my life, but there have also been some not so wonderful things....

I recently found at my Uncle Bob (dad's sister's husband) has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Hearing this basically knocked the wind out of me and brought immediate tears to my eyes. Especially when I heard that it was Stage 4 - the most severe. In Stage 4, the cancer has spread from the lymph nodes and invaded the bone marrow, liver, and other vital parts of the body. Thinking of my uncle being attacked in this way depresses me incredibly. He is tall, funny, strong, quiet, witty, and most always laughing. I hate to think of how the treatment is going to sap him of his strength and strip the weight from his lanky frame. But I cannot imagine Uncle Bob being angry or bitter and I know that he will fight this with everything he has within him. And God will do the rest.

I hate cancer by the way. Of all illnesses it is probably my least favorite. Mainly because it has touched my family just one too many times. It ravishes people's health and it always seems to be the victor - at least in my family's case. My mom's dad died from lung cancer, my papa (dad's dad) died from melonoma, and now my uncle has Hodgkin's. I have seen how it silently creeps up and steals your vitality away. I don't want to watch it happen to another person I love. Fortunately, I have God on my side. I don't know where I would be without my faith. I hurt for those experiencing pain and sorrow who do not have God to lean on for comfort and support and I continually pray that they will accept the great gift that Christ offers us. There is no one who is better at wiping our tears away and giving us hope and strength to endure.

On top of this news, I learned that my dad's cousin has Parkinson's. She lives on the property behind my parents and I worked for her husband, Nick, for awhile doing data entry. She is an amazing cook (Nick is Greek, so she whips up delectable Greek treats), but now her dexterity is digressing and it is becoming more difficult for her to do the daily tasks she enjoys so much. She also has started shuffling when she walks. It kills me to see such a vivacious and active person lose these abilities, but she is staying positive and presses on with determination. I pray that this disease will progress slowly.

As I was driving to work today, one of my favorite Casting Crowns songs came on the radio and definitely applies to how I have been feeling:

Praise You in this Storm
Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

-Chorus-

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

-Chorus-

It is such an incredible song to me! To keep praising God, even when all the pains of life are weighing so heavily upon us is such an amazing thing! This song and MercyMe's song "Bring the Rain" depict so well the mix of joy and sorrow that often are conflicting in our souls. Just incredible and moving to me. :)

I'm still smiling and laughing amongst this bout of depressing news. But I'm also more pensive and prayerful, which I find to be great blessings. My prayer life needs to be more active than it is and these events have definitely helped propel me closer to God.

Sleep is Overrated...

I used to tell myself that. In fact, I used to believe that. Back when I was young and energetic...you know, when I was still in college. I used to be able to function on 4 hours of sleep. Now I find myself craving 7, 8, or 9 hours. Where did my youth go? Has it vanished? And what will happen when I reach that dreaded, quarter-of-a-century age that is 25?? My legs don't bend as easily as they did when I was 21...my knee pops when I run...my vision has steadily declined in the last several years...and worst of all...I don't go out at night. I find myself choosing to stay in on the weekends instead of venturing out into the wonderful world of clubbing, drinking, and socializing. Going to the movies and out to dinner...that's fine. But can I have the early-bird special, please?

Anyway, along with my physical weariness comes something much more serious. I find that I am spiritually weary as well. I spend less time in God's Word then I used to. And I don't have any good reasons as to why that is. I am working at building better habits and using my vast quiet time to commune with God, but often I feel distant from Him. And I wonder if I will ever be close again. I know it is in these times I need to cling to Him tighter then ever before, but I feel like my grasp is slipping...as if I have no strength to hold on. I know that I love Him completely, but I don't treat God like I should. I mean, He is the one who loves me more then ANYONE ever will! How incredible is that??!! I should love Him more than anyone too. But I often place other things and people ahead of Him. I take my best friend for granted because I do the things I want to do (even when I know I shouldn't) over following Christ. How selfish I am! How can he keep loving me? Amazingly and thankfully, He does. It's marvelous to have such incredible love in my life. So, I know this spiritual weariness is only passing. An opportunity for me to draw closer to God. To just rest in his presence. Because rest is what I need. Rest will allow me to be filled with strength again. Physically, our bodies need rest. We sleep at night so they will recover for the obstacles the next day presents. So it makes sense that our spiritual selves need rest too. We thrive on rest. And it is when we are resting that I believe we hear God clearer then ever because the noise of our lives is not surrounding us and filling us up. Only God is filling us up. And He fills us with the things we need most. He breathes life back into us. So I will relish the rest that God is asking me to take. :)

And I will embrace sleep. It's definitely not overrated. :)

Climbing to Total Exhaustion

Last weekend I went on what can hardly be described as a hike with my parents. I was home for the weekend, the weather was relatively nice (partly cloudy with sunbreaks...typical Seattle), so my dad & I decided it was perfect for a walk up in Lord's Hill Regional Park, situated just up the hill from my parent's property. We informed my mom & then headed out to round up the dogs. Or at least one of them. My parents have a golden retriever and a St. Bernard. Madison, the retriever, is a great walking dog. She could walk all day and night if you allowed her to. Shenzi on the other hand, is large. Very large. 120 lbs large. She may act like she's the size of a terrier, but she's not. She'll bowl you over in a heartbeat. But she also hates being left out of things. So when she saw us loading Madison into the back of the Subaru, she became slightly jealous. She eyed the car, then made a clumsy dash to the trunk and flung her girth into the trunk with Maddie. My dad and I looked at each other and attempted to pull Zee out...but she turned those glistening, sad eyes on us and we melted. Zee was coming on the walk. If we had known how things would turn out, she wouldn't have come. Unfortunately, God didn't give us the ability to see the future. :( So she came.

Lord's Hill Park is basically a trail system through the woods that accommodates walkers, runners, mountain bikers, and horseback riders. There are no grassy areas with picnic tables and barbeques. It's pretty natural as far as parks go. So, we entered into the trail system and decided to do the long loop down to the river and then back up and around Temple Pond and back onto the main pipeline trail. It was long, but not too arduous. However, there were a few steep climbs on our way up from the river and halfway through the walk, Zee began to pant. I take that back. Zee pants after taking about 10 steps. But there are several categories of panting when it comes to Zee, similar to a hurricane or tornado. Her panting was about a category 3. Not too bad, but definitely dangerous. We ignored her cries for water and forced her onward for another hour or more. None of us really took notice of her condition until we were about 15 minutes away from the entrance to the park. By this point, Shenzi's tongue had grown several inches longer, was dangling precariously out of her mouth - it looked like a roll of bubble tape had unrolled out of her - she was foaming uncontrallably, and her eyes were glazed over. We could tell she was in trouble. Somehow we made it up the final hill to the car. Shenzi collapsed to the ground and began breathing extremely fast. I was worried. I didn't want anything serious to happen to her, but I think we were already to that point. She had heat exhaustion. My dad found 2 bottles of water in the car and began pouring water into Zee's mouth. Not much made it down her throat though, as her tongue had swelled to match the size of her mouth. My dad and I had to lift Shenzi into the back of the car because she didn't even have strength left to stand up. We zoomed down the hill to home. The race to save her life was on! Zee wobbled out of the car on her own accord before crashing to the cement in the shade. My dad began spraying her down with the hose to cool her body temperature and eventually, after several hours, Shenzi began perking up.

I guarantee Zee won't be so eager to hop in the car next time.

The Curse of the Silver Screen

I'm beginning to get the distinct impression that I am not welcome at any of the local cinemas. Maybe I should stop viewing films in theaters altoghether and just watch from the comfort of my own apartment. Why do I think movie theaters are out to get me? Mainly because I'm cursed. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic (that is my way...ask anyone), but these things don't just happen to anyone. I guess I should start back at the beginning...at least the first time I ever noticed that theaters don't like me.

It was my first date with my ex-boyfriend. We went and saw the movie "The Hot Chick". I honestly cannot say why he picked that movie, but he did, and I went. There were maybe five other people in the theater. We walked down the aisle and finally settled on sitting dead center. It wasn't by anyone else and wasn't too far back or forward to cause any discomfort in viewing the film. We had just relaxed into our seats - feet propped up on the chairs in front of us, so as to keep our feet from becoming permanently glued to the sticky mess that was the floor - when a teenager, probably around 16 or 17 came into the theater. He had the entire theater at his command...there were seats everywhere. But he must not have noticed it. Maybe it looked packed to him. Because he came down my row and sat directly next to me. I'll admit that it made me slightly uncomfortable, but I am a friendly person and am probably too nice for my own good. I said hello. Mistake number one. He immediately started talking to me about the film...he had already seen it and loved it. He knew I was going to like it. And of course, he had to inform me of all the "funny" parts before they actually happened. Did I mention he spit when he talked? Yeah. A lot. All over my left arm. Everytime. My boyfriend at the time just sat there, trying not to laugh. I was to polite to change seats. So I endured the whole movie with this guy sitting on my left, leaning into my personal space (I like my bubble, thank you!), and providing me with a shower of spit throughout the entire film. Then, when the movie finally ended, he walked out of the theater with me, chatting the entire time...all the way down the hall...into the lobby...out the door...and to his car. So that was my first interesting movie experience.

Later in this same relationship, my boyfriend & I went to the movies again. Not sure what the film was...but I do remember the person sitting behind me. During the previews he sprawled across 3 seats and began vomiting onto the floor directly behind me. My eyes went wide with shock and disgust and I had to quickly suppress the urge to throw up my own dinner. I turned to my boyfriend, we barely glanced at each other before we were on our feet moving to a different seat. At least 10 rows away from this guy. He probably had enjoyed himself too much at Hooters before coming to the theater. I don't know. All I could see that night was rivers of vomit cascading down the carpeted theater stairs and pooling around my white Jack Purcells.

Since these first two disturbing movie experiences I have other problems. Sitting next to the guy that emanated the smell of marijuana from every pore...fire alarms going off during the middle of Pirates (this happened twice...not at the same movie)....rowdy teens who make it their goal to drive as many people out of the theater as possible by their obnoxious screams and loud chatter....but that is not the worst of it. Recently, I went to see Ratatouille. I loved the film. It was creative, humorous, romantic, cute, and enjoyable. But I did NOT like the father sitting three seats down from me. His two daughters were sitting on my left and would not stop talking/whispering throughout the entire movie. But that was fine. I could handle their outcrys of "this is my favorite part!" or "I love when all the rats cook together!", but their father was far less polite. Let me state that it was a packed theater. In the middle of the film, his cellphone rang. Instead of politely turning it off as quickly as humanly possible or exiting the theater to answer the call, he decided to slowly reach for his phone, flip it open - illuminating the entire theater with the blinding white LED light - and actually say "hello" to the person on the other end. Of course, it would be too polite to stop there. Here is what I can remember of his conversation at the movies:

"Hello" "Yeah, I'm at the movies." "Oh, I'm seeing Ratatouille with my girls. How are you?" "No way" "I was going to do that tomorrow, but I'm not sure how things will shake out." "Let me know how it goes."

He talked to his phone friend for a good 3-5 minutes IN THE THEATER. Who does that?? I mean, I guess I know the answer to that question now, having witnessed it, but I seriously could not believe he had the nerve to just carry on a conversation in the middle of the theater like it was his own home. And he didn't have a quiet voice. I really wanted to start throwing my popcorn at him to send the message that what he was doing was rude & distracting. Unfortunately I was all out of popcorn. I guess I could have chewed my Sour Patch Kids up and then tossed them...Calm down, Dani, just calm down. Okay, I would never actually throw anything at someone in the movies...unless I knew them...then maybe. But only maybe. However, I really wanted to!

Anyway, is it just me? Or do other people have similar experiences at the movies? Because I'm beginning to think I am cursed. I find these experiences entertaining to a degree..at least it makes for a memorable night out! But I sometimes wonder if God enjoys putting me in these situations...I mean, it is definitely forcing me to work on patience!